Rough Cut: A Wilson, Wisconsin Holiday Special

Enjoy. It’s only what, six, maybe seven days late? The following’s complete in main content, meaning, et cetera. Mainly needs proofing and detail-adding. No, that’s not a word.

There was a layer of spray-webbing over the doorway, so Clarissa gently lifted it and stepped through into the darkened restaurant. Candles flickered about a foot apart down the entire length of the front counter of the store. A ghost hung on the wall, and the spray-webbing had been abused further on the interior with wispy strands hanging from nearly every corner.

In one distant corner, a pirate and a ninja stood discussing something quietly and chuckling. Clarissa waved, not remembering the names of the two nighttime-crew members. She quickly hurried past before they started talking to her and she was found out.

Next in line was Denise, standing quietly alone, seemingly oblivious to the fact that she was thirty years the senior of anyone else attending the Cliff’s Halloween party. Clarissa saw that her green-clad right arm was stretched upward and prayed the old woman was wearing deodorant.

“Hello, Denise,” Clarissa said, tipping her big red hat upward show herself more clearly in the dim light.

“Clarissa! Dear, you look… stylish,” Lady Liberty said.

“You too! You’ve certainly gained a lovely patina with age, and that look never goes out of style.”

“Oh, thank you, lovely girl.” Denise smiled, her teeth standing out in the black light.

“Anytime. However, since I’m not tired, poor, or huddled, I’m going to move along. Have more people to say hi to.”

Denise nodded, and Clarissa moved deeper into the restaurant.

Turning and heading back into the staff section, she found Clarence’s drive-thru section marked off with police tape and labeled CONDEMNED, which made her smile. Sitting on the counter past the tape, however, were Rorschach and the Comedian.

“Kevin, for the love of God, close that bathrobe!” Clarissa said, quickly averting her eyes before covering them.

The Comedian blinked and pulled his legs together. “I have underwear on! God! And… Clarissa, is that you?”

Rorschach would have looked stunned if his face had been visible behind the inkblot mask. “Holy shit. It’s Carmen Sandiego.”

Clarissa grinned, striking a dashing pose and tossing the straps on her trench coat loose, but there was no breeze for them to flutter in.

“From the Red Sea to Greenland they’ll be singing the blues,” the Comedian said.

Clarissa stopped and pointed at him. “No. Dammit, I had that song stuck in my head the whole time I was making the costume. Don’t you dare get it stuck in there again.”

“Fine. Can I plunder your treasures, at least? You already stole my heart.”

The master thief slumped. “That was so clever I’m going to throw up.” She summoned her confident stance back, then tipped her hat back downward and turned her back.

Past intertwined orange and black streamers was the storage room, where a half-dozen teenaged night- and weekend-crew employees huddled in a circle. One girl, dressed in as good a Paris Hilton costume as can be made without requiring antibiotics, had a flashlight pointing up from beneath her chin.

“So the boy runs all over his school, asking everyone about this picture of the girl in the red dress holding up a peace sign. But no one’s ever seen her before. And when he gets home, he asks his mom and his dad if they’ve ever seen the girl in this picture holding up a peace sign. And they haven’t.

“So he’s sad, and he goes to bed. At midnight, he’s awakened by this… tapping. He sits up, turns on the light, and looks around, but he can’t find anything. He looks at the picture of the girl on his nightstand, but it’s just the same, of course. He shuts the lights off, and goes back to sleep. But about fifteen minutes later, it happens again. Only this time, there’s soft, feminine laughter with it. And again, he turns on the light and looks around, but finds nothing.

“He tries to go back to sleep, but the noises keep coming, and he finally gets out of the bed – grabbing his picture of the girl in the red dress holding up a peace sign – and going downstairs and outside to look for whatever’s tapping on his window. There’s nothing there, but he hears a rustle in some bushes across the street and goes to look at it. But just as he’s crossing the street, BAM! A car hits him.

“The driver gets out of the car and goes and performs CPR on the boy, but it’s too late. He’s dead. But the driver notices the picture in the boy’s hand. He picks it up and looks at it in the light from his headlights. It’s a picture of a girl in a red dress holding up three fingers.

Someone screamed, and even Matt, the stocky football player, shook in his Spartan outfit. A couple kids tried to laugh it off. Clarissa shivered a bit. The flashlight was passed to the right, taken by a yellow, cupped hand that brought it to a rectangular body, where it shone up onto a large, cylindrical head with a peg on the top.

“It’s the near future,” the face on the round plastic head said. “The year 2015. And President Palin–”

At this, each person there screamed, and all of them bolted upright and out of the confined space, leaving Clarissa alone with the storyteller.

Carmen Sandiego looked down. “Hello, Twinkie,” she said with a smile.

The Lego minifigure looked up, smirking. “Hey.”

It’s Back

Child’s Play 2009. You know what to do, internet.

The Tragedy at the Shadow Vault

The troll woke, vision slowly focusing on the face of an orcish death knight that peered down at him. He moved to sit up, but a muscular gray-green arm pushed him back down. “Don’t try to sit up. You’ve been badly hurt. There’s a priest from the Crusade on his way,” the death knight said.

The troll laid his head back down. Looking to his left, he saw another Crusade soldier, wounded as well, but sitting up and drinking something steaming from a mug. Looking to his right, he saw the entrance to the Shadow Vault itself, a few Knights of the Ebon Blade going about their business, only a sideways glance of mild curiosity at the two wounded fighters. One, another Darkspear, walked up beside the troll, peering down at his abdomen. He shook his head slightly, clucking, and then went on his way, carefully avoiding eye contact.

At this, the troll swallowed hard. His throat felt dry and raw.

The orc leaning over him stood up. A shadow flew over the troll and he looked up to see a drake silhouetted against the evening sky. The beast swiftly descended, the blue-clad elf upon his back leaping off before the drake could land and running over to the troll. He looked down into the troll’s eyes for a moment, then down at his stomach. His hands clapped together.

The troll again tried to sit up, but this time the elf pushed him down. The healer’s hands went to the troll’s stomach, and straining his eyes downward as far as he could, the troll saw a flash of light. Then another. A warm, liquidy sensation began to flood through his body, and he hoped it wasn’t blood.

The troll laid back and closed his eyes. This was… odd. He felt his insides shifting, moving. He felt things growing – growing back, perhaps, from where they’d been severed? – but it didn’t hurt. It just felt… odd. However, after a moment the feeling vanished, replaced with the tingling of new and improving blood flow. The troll opened his eyes, looked up at the priest.

A look of terror was on the elf’s face.

He simply stared down at the troll’s abdomen. He reached out to touch something, then stopped. “I… always… this…” he started to say. The troll started to squirm, but the orcish death knight reappeared to hold him down.

“Do you know what–” the elf started again, then sighed. He stood up, pacing around, starting to mutter in Thalassian. The troll blinked, now breathing heavily, feeling his blood pump faster. His stomach felt warm, almost hot, and he didn’t know what it meant.

After a few moments the elf stopped pacing. He stared down at the troll’s stomach once more with a shaky sigh. Slowly, silently, he leaned down, pulling up a handful of bloody frostweave. And another. And another.

“Such… such a waste,” the priest said. “This.. this could have been a lovely dress. Or some armor. A resilient, padded mantle protecting some healer or mage from the grabbing hands of some ghoul.”

He grabbed another ribbon of blood-stained cloth. “And this. This would be a flying carpet that some Kirin Tor pulled out when he wanted to get lucky.”

The elf stood up. “All gone. All ephemera. Such a waste…” He mumbled a few more words, but the troll couldn’t make them out. The orc holding the patient down relaxed his grip as he stared at the priest.

The red drake swooped down, landing and letting the elf climb aboard. The healer surveyed the area once, then lowered his gaze to make eye contact with the troll.

“You better make this worth it,” he said coldly, then patting the drake on the back. The beast launched itself into the air and flew away to the east.

The orc let go of the troll, who quickly sat up and clawed away at the remaining cloth wrapped around his abdomen. Beneath the blood and tatters was simply smooth, unblemished skin. Relieved, the troll stood. “What was dat? Was ‘e serious?” he finally said to the orc.

“I don’t even know,” the death knight replied, bewildered, staring at the sky as the drake became a speck in the distance.

Show Me. Prove It. Demonstrate Your Goddamned Thesis.

I’ve been writing, and I can do all of the above. Aside from the little things you’ve seen me crank out of late, I’d like to present an early look at yet another new story. This one’s currently called A Dairyland Fairytale and is totally about a gay boy. If that doesn’t interest you, I don’t know what will.

Continue reading ‘Show Me. Prove It. Demonstrate Your Goddamned Thesis.’

Teaser

So I haven’t been doing much writing. I’ve had other priorities of late. Some public, some private.

Point is, I apologize for that. However, there was a site write, which I think is a writing exercise of some kind, on my realm forums today. Since I was bored and the short length of these exercises fits my attention span perfectly, I cranked one out. The theme is Stay Down, which has at least two possible meanings. After realizing that Varendil’s bloody overconfident with his awesome bubbles, I knew he wouldn’t order someone to stay down in a combat situation. Therefore, I went with the other meaning, thought of a funny sight – Varen getting gnawed on by an only-mostly-dead Scourge, and the rest literally wrote itself.

The following’s ripped from the thread on the forums. Do click the more link and read on.

Continue reading ‘Teaser’

So Let Me Get This Straight

Hey, Kids! Do You Like Getting Married?

((Best enjoyed when read aloud in your best Jon Stewart Doing Orly Taitz [about 3:07] voice.))

How many times has this happened to you?!

Boy: Let’s get married. Then I’ll feel less guilty about the things I put between your legs.

Girl: I’d love to! But first I need a standard white wedding dress, or perhaps some commonly-seen crafted robes to dress up in.

Boy: Oh, and I should get my not-at-all-compensatory enormous weapon enchanted with a purely cosmetic glow.

Both: Wow. Where are we going to find someone that can help with all of our problems?

Hello! This is where I come in! I am Varendil Dawnblade of Honest Varendil’s Enchanting Emporium, Tailoring Hut, and Discount Weddings!

Even if you’re not sure she’s the one, due to today’s highly volatile combat environments and confusing inheritance laws, you can’t afford NOT to be married to the person you want to have your stuff once you’re ganked and teabagged by some gnome in Wintergrasp Fortress! We’re here to help!

At Honest Varendil’s Discount Weddings, we provide bargain weddings in almost any locale. Our priests have real wedding experience to provide you with a top notch ceremony at bottom-gouge prices.

But how do we do it? Honest Varendil’s Discount Weddings is a one-couple operation. This means we can cut out the middlemen and pass the savings on to you!

No witness? No problem! Save your anxiety for unmet expectations on the wedding night!

Need a wedding dress or tuxedo? Our highly skilled tailors can turn out clean, guaranteed-to-fit product in no time at all!

Contact Varendil or Lanuria Dawnblade for a FREE consultation! You cannot be turned down due to preexisting conditions such as undeath, homosexuality or troll descent!

MAIL NOW!

Two Posts for the Price of One

There are two linked, but somewhat separate, subjects I wanted to write about today.

Part one. Ever since this entire situation started on Saturday, I’ve been strangely calm. I wasn’t panicking when I called 911 Saturday morning, and while I’ve had many emotional episodes and did, in fact, totally lose it when they pulled my mom’s breathing tube, I’ve been rather okay, emotionally. This has been worrying me almost as much as the situation with my mom; it’s not that I’m so self-centered, it’s just that since basically Sunday morning the outcome was evident; the following days simply made it more obvious and unavoidable.

Since Saturday, though, I haven’t been crying and curling up into a ball on my bed nearly as much as I’d expected. I did feel like I was running on empty from Monday until about Wednesday, but that’s faded with the closure that Thursday morning brought. And with a good night’s sleep and that closure, my paranoia about being a jaded, emotionless thing has grown.

It was this morning, though, that a thought occurred to me. I sat, thinking about what I had been feeling instead of intense sorrow. Disinterest, general malaise, apathy, loss of appetite, and a lack of interest in doing much. Wait a minute! Not only are some of those symptoms of mild grief, they’re all symptoms of clinical depression! Thank God. I am feeling crappy.

My mood has notably improved, though. Not just because of that realization, which absolved much of my paranoia. There’s also the fact that my mom gave one person a set of lungs, another person a kidney, and a third her other kidney and pancreas. Knowing she has helped so many people in this event has helped my Dad and I substantially.

Part two. If you’ve never lost a parent or other member of your immediate family, let me try to document my experience so you can have at least a glimpse.

Outside of the trauma of the moment – any car accident, cancer diagnosis, or the trauma of actually watching someone die (which I hope never happens to any of you) – the actual idea of the death of a loved one, in this case my mother, is simply too big to look at head on. It’s much like the S.E.P. field in the works of Douglas Adams. I’ll wait while you read the section I linked in the last sentence. Anyway, the death’s like that. Saying to myself “My Mom has died,” doesn’t mean much. It’s too big. It can’t be fathomed, at least right now.

However, it still shows. The other day I was having a conversation about drinking water and I said “We have an undersink filter.” Now, the word ‘we’ doesn’t mean the same thing as it used to. The definition of my family has changed.

Likewise, last night I went to bring a sandwich upstairs, and as I climbed the stairs I started mentally preparing for the short argument I’d have with my mom about bringing food upstairs. Then I stopped, because that wouldn’t happen anymore.

I know it’s going to continue, too. I’m going to come home from a friend’s house at 5:45 in the evening and ask, “Have you guys eaten yet?” I’m going to have to learn the hard way to use the past tense when talking about my family.

To come back to the original SEP metaphor: This isn’t something you see when you look straight at it. But if you catch it out of the corner of your eye, be prepared for a shock.

And In The End

My mom died this morning, a little after nine. It was rather peaceful.

Her liver, pancreas, and kidneys are usable – the liver to one person, one kidney to another, the second kidney and pancreas to a third. Her lungs looked good from blood tests, but they’ll need to examine them up close before knowing if they can be used for a fourth person. Edit: The lungs proved usable, but the liver did not. Still, that’s three lives changed for the better.

I’m not sure what else to say. I might have actual words later on. Right now silence is very comforting.

I’ma Calling You Out, Broseph

The day before yesterday, I wrote some things about Dan Brown, popular author and literary punching bag. Then yesterday happened. However, in my ongoing attempts to distract myself from what happened yesterday, I’m bringing it back.

In the post two days ago, I made fun of one of Dan Brown’s character descriptions, comparing it to many novices I see in World of Warcraft who are living a hair too vicariously through their characters and haven’t given them any flaws. However, I’d like to give Mr. Brown a chance to redeem himself.

Here are some lines from Wilson, Wisconsin, which I consider one of my best character descriptions.

Winston turned to face the child, his scruffy mustache, wrinkles, and rotund figure giving him the appearance of a malnourished manatee in a polo shirt. “Hello!” Winston said to the boy, with the mix of wonder and bewilderment he used when encountering any person, technology, or concept younger than the wine he had in his basement.

Dear Mr. Brown: If you can do a better character description than this, I will personally buy a copy of your new book, The Lost Symbol, and read it with the best open mind I can. But it has to be specifically addressed to me. And the fact that almost nobody reads this blog should not be used to protect him – if I were a world famous author, I’d certainly spend all my time googling myself for people calling me out. Yep.

Ball’s in your court, sir.

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